and the winner is...

ME!! I love me some VSB...I am there daily and they just posted their 100th post! (confetti and air horns and sh1t) CONGRATS!! so in honor of such a magnanimous event, the Very Smart Brothers (and Liz) decided to actually create the VSB t-shirts...reveal the top 5 t-shirt slogan vote getters...and hand out "The VSB.com 100 Post Anniversary Commentator Awards"

My slogan “Smart b*tches have drama too” was one of the top those top 5 joints...(taking a bow) and I won an award!! I was so happy that I actually CALLED people to tel them that I won! lol... like there was a ceremony or something...I know, I need more people....but whatever, I was KRUNK TEXAS...it went like this...

***scene goes all wavy for the flashback sequence***

the goodeness corner award, for the most consistently outrageously entertaining comments, goes to, you guessed it, the goodeness herself…a woman who also has the distinct honor of receiving an award named after herself. good job and sh*t. 1st runner up, and probable 2009 winner: luvvie

and here was my acceptance speech...(clearing throat)

before I scroll up and read the intelligent ignorance that I’m sure has taken place…let me say…

COONNNNGRRRAAAATTTTUUUULAAAAAA-HOOO-HOOO-HAAAAY-HOOO-HOOOOO-TIOOOOOONNNNNSSSS!!! (Vesta style!)

I am so happy to be an active supporter of a MOVE-MEANT for ni99as that read and sh1t!! salud!

now…**smoothing out my wrinkled acceptance speech** YOU LIKE ME! YOU REALLY LIKE ME! (shout out to Sally Field) I am KRUNK TEXAS that I got an award for doing something I love to do! **turning on my over-articulate Black church lady impression** Givink honter tuh Gawt, Passuh, congruhgayshun and frints… lol…nah for real this time…I would like to thank VSB (and LIZ) and sh1t for creating a safe place for grown ups to be ignit as h3ll and drop knowledge all at the same time…I would like to shout out to my mom for not putting me on Ritalin all those years ago! Want to shout out to the Pink Ribbon Plantation for not blocking my daily dose of cerebral stimulation…last but not least I GOT to show love for my BFF “ABCDE” for getting me hooked on this man-based mind phuck…

I have GOT to say (type) that I love all ya’ll…my VSB(rothas and sistas), you all make my day at the plantation seem to breeze by! The site is a terrible drug, cuz I really feel like I know most of you for real but I wouldn’t know you if you grabbed my @ss and licked the side of my face in the street and yet most of you would be welcome to sit on my couch without the standard criminal background check and DNA test type of sh1t! (although you will still be required to provide a copy of your driver’s license, just in case…) so if you’re ever in MIC CITY (Dallas *muhfuggin* TEXAS) hit a sista up! we’ll do lunch!

how fuggin DOPE is it that the award ya’ll gave me is NAMED after me!???! (blushing) I am still geeking on that one!! NOW MY NAME WILL LIVE ON IN INFAMY!!! **evil laugh**

and to make a great honor even better...my e-fam MONK, gave me another award that was also (kind of) named after me, but not really!

*The “I Love Your Head” Award goes to…GOODENESS!! And no, it’s not your tongue rings…lol. I just enjoy your wit, humor, and ummm…brains.

and I said...

MONK…when I read that…I just KNEW you were gonna go left with it…but you kept it right! lol…I am all blushing and sh1t! THANK YOU LUV! (curtsy) cuz I’m a laaaady! this has been the best week ever for the GOOD…ya’ll make me smile!

This week has been a DOPE one for me:

MONDAY - last minute meet & greet w/ Musiq Soulchild
TUESDAY - Nas/Talib Kweli concert
WEDNESDAY - booked 2 passion parties for September
THURSDAY - got my very first web-based award (kind of)
FRIDAY - got my very second web-based award (kind-of)
SATURDAY - going to a red carpet magazine launch party

so e-folks...this has been the BEST WEEK EVER! for the GOOD one... ***happy dance*** just had to share that with the group and sh1t!

As always...be GOOD or be GOOD AT IT!

sh1t that apparently only happens to me...volume 1

***the picture above was actually (secretly) taken at the "free clinic" yesterday and the brothers in the black and white t-shirts are the subjects of my post today***

Welcome to the maiden entry of a segment I would like to call (theme music) "shit that apparently only happens to me!"

Picture it...Sicily 1913..oh wait...wrong show...damn I loved the Golden Girls, didn't you? (RIP Estelle Getty)... ok focus GOOD, remain on task! Real talk, I'm a contractor and therefore don't have health insurance...so, being the hustler that I am, I figured out how to get general health exams and my chocha checked for free! I get muhfuggin checkups at Dallas County Health and Human Services aka the "free clinic"..now when u hear the phrase "free clinic" do u think romance? perhaps love at first sight? H3LL NAH!!!I think pissing fire and penicillan shots. Not my idea of a great place to pick up women...oh but the 2 musketeers in the picture above (that I secretly camera-phoned in the waiting room) seem to feel differently...I was approached by each of these men...not approached as in "hey sista can you tell me what time it is?"...approached like "do u stay around here, pretty red?"..."your hat is that fiyah, I like your style mama..." and my personal favorite "whatchu doing when u leave here?"...you should have seen my face! it was a cross between NIGGA REALLY? and a smile for fear of hood related retaliation...and for the record "FIYAH" is not really a word that should be uttered in a "free clinic", yes?

so I asked myself...self...catching rhythm at the free clinic...great or gross? my answer...GROOS...whether he is a doctor that's impressed with my "stirrup game" or a fine hood-style babymaker with crotch rot the whole approach is suspect...u know why?? huh? huh? do ya?? cuz it's the fuggin "free clinic" that's it...that's all..

so today's segment of "shit that apparently only happens to me!" has been brought to you by our proud sponsors at Trojans, where the new slogan is "Trojans are cheaper than child support!" and the letters "W" "T" and "F"...thank you for your time and attention...you may now return to your regular scheduled program already in progress!

lights schmights...

In the last few months, I have been going through a type of psycho-socio-economic struggle that I have NEVER encountered before...I am talking the types of challenges that I have seen crumble lesser individuals... To say that my lights getting cut off while the male gamete chromosome donator is eating out everyday and getting pedicures and sh*t was weighing on my normally positive and progressive spirit would be a bigger understatment than calling Souljah Boy an "artist"!! Not even 15 minutes ago I was reaching a point when I was feeling overwhelmed, overextended and so many other less than happy OVER-emotions...head on desk...verge of tears...phone rings...a bill collector...sigh...something said answer it this time it can’t gat any worse…well I answered and the lady on the phone was from Ford, she said I qualified for a DOUBLE payment deferment if I pay this month’s note…so I scheduled a post dated check and I don’t have to make another payment until October…can you see the tears running down my face!!!! RIGHT when I was ready to just crumble from frustration…GOD stepped in and made a way…like He always does!!! I am still sitting here trying to fix my face!!! I am beside myself with joy and I had to share this with somebody...anybody...you guys...the e-fam...AMEN!!!!

did you know? (quarterly rant...)

Ok…I know I am busy…and that makes it hard to “date” and sh*t…but when I am approached by someone I find attractive and engaging…I make an honest effort to connect. When I type “connect” that is not code for “f*ck”. It means I want to get together in a well-lit, public place and have a face to face, get to know you better vibe session to decide if my initial assessment of your bang-ability was correct…I have been wrong on this sh*t before people so I am not wasting anymore time on the “bait and switch” bullsh*t that is taking over the single free world… so…since I am a civic minded individual, here are two things that I have realized are NOT common knowledge that irritate the F*CK out of me:

1. DICK PICS – at this point we have already exchanged contact information and have spoken at least once. I am a visual woman, so I usually ask for a picture for my photo ID after I have decided that you are worth actually saving in my phone. A word to the wise, if/when I ask for this picture…DO NOT send me a picture of your “meat puppet”! You may not be “working with” what you think you are and will not only get clowned for being so presumptuous, but relegated to the DNA (do not answer) section of the phone with your “love muscle” as your photo id picture…and I will show all my girls too, if it’s really a fool mess that you should have kept to yourself...even if it’s a really mouth-wateringly good looking piece, I am forced to DNA you on GP…but I will pause for the cause (read: close my eyes, bite my bottom lip and fantasize about riding you into the sunset) before I do…moral of the story…(unsolicited) dick pics are a deal breaker…

2. SCHEDULING - if you had the good sense to avoid the DICK PIC pothole and we make plans…you are officially on the calendar…that means I won’t schedule your designated time slot with anyone else! So honor our appointment! I am a busy sister with lots of sh*t to do! I hate when dudes realize (and witness) what my life is like and then try to pull these last minute “come see me, baby” type joints! First of all…I am NOT coming to see YOU…we both know what that means…and accidentally f*cking dudes under the thinly veiled excuse of “kicking it at the crib” has landed me a stalker or two, so I’m over it! Not to mention what MAN would ask a WOMAN to drive across town (at night or at all) to come see him? I mean you won’t get to know where I live until like date #3 (or #8) but don’t even ask me to your place off top…Even if gas wasn’t higher than my credit score, I can chill at my own damn place! Ni99a!! so you need to take a b*tch somewhere…well not really “take” but meet me there and pay for my food and sh*t..LOL (I use b*tch in jest…if you don’t like it…stop reading my sh*t)

Bottom line…if you are just trying to f*ck…say so…you might be surprised…but don’t play like you give a sh*t about anything other that finding out how I got my screen name (I didn’t name myself, you know?) Just be honest…like I said, I got sh*t to do!

This concludes the “shit I wish ni99as knew” rant for the quarter…thank you for coming out, God bless you, goodnight!

no home...penned 7.21.08

***original artwork "priorities" by Jeremy Biggers ***

A good friend of mine gave me a poetic assignment...move my pen to the beat of that which is living in the street...so I did...like to read it? here it goes...


They see me sitting on the curb and cross the street…
Size me up, tattered clothes, dirty hair, shoeless feet…
Staying discreet…eyes don’t meet…I bake in sweltering heat…
Pretending that I’m not pissed off to see “decent” folks bow heads and retreat!
No one stops to ask, how I got in this position…
Maybe a war vet that came home to a cold US reception…
Couldn’t find a job, got robbed and fell into a dismal depression…
Might be a crack head that lost my way on the road to redemption…
Times got hard on the boulevard and I fell back into my addiction…
What if I was an eccentric millionaire testing society’s hidden affliction…
Exploring the latent prejudice of how we treat our street ridden…
But I’m not…
Got good sense, went to school…had no gun, pulled no trigger…
Playe the fool, thought it cool, labeled my self a ni99a…
Out on my own, life’s a b!tch, yeah she’s fine but she’ll trick ya…
Saw my life crash and burn through broken bottles of licka…
They took my kids, I lost my job, adversity never did stop…
I lost my will…numb and still…the curb is my pillow top…
The moon my night light…Sunrise alarm clock…
Can’t get a job because I don’t have an address with a door and a lock…
So I walk…F*CK!!!!
I got so much on my plate…
Everything I get is late…
Oscillating between self pity and hate…
Can’t seem to make this crooked life…straight…
Trying hard to see the silver lining…
Nimbus rains…pleasantry declining…
But I ain’t no whining…
Type of cat…just a woman with no design,
So I recline…and marinate on that…

© GOODENess 2008