Mother's Day 2.0

Times are changing…in this age of instant gratification, internet everything, and life moving at the speed of John McCain’s Viagra supply…It’s hard to hold on to the little things that make life sweet…like Mother’s Day! Gone are the days of a macaroni necklace, a construction paper card and runny ass pancakes and eggs masquerading as breakfast in bed…oh no…now these millennium moms want Blackberries, spa days, and new cars for crying out loud…I remember when the memory of a few flowers from the neighbor’s yard in your favorite My Little Pony collectible glass would get you out of a well deserved “ass whoopin” well into June…the good ole days of inedible homemade heart shaped cookies that she would pretend were delicious until you turned your back so she could spit them into her napkin are dead and gone people! The saddest part of this travesty of tradition is, I am one of these moms… my son is only 4.5 years old so I fully intend to not only wear my MACARONI NECKLACE with pride…but create a color coded outfit to showcase my hand crafted aldente accessory…but for the grown ups that are sweet enough to call and ask “(insert government name here), what do you want for Mothers’s Day?” I am thoughtful enough to reply with the most useful, honest, and tradition-less response I can muster…”a gas card”…plain and simple…I drive an Explorer XLT, people…”back in the day” when gas was a meesly 2.5 bux, it cost fiddy bones to put the “super” Ford on “F”! now? PUSHWATER is running at a staggering 3.53 per gallon! That’s higher than my credit score! So if you are reading this…and you aren’t quite sure what to get your maternal unit for Mother’s Day, Baby Mama Day (also celebrated on April Fool’s), or whatever kind of matriarchial mayhem you celebrate in your household …before you break out your safety scissors, spray glitter, and pipe cleaners…think about these two words …GAS (muhfuggin) CARD…trust me, she will like that much better than that slicing, dicing, peeling wheeling, thingamabob you were going to order from the infomercial…I mean, does your mom even COOK anymore?? Seriously?… (releasing a sigh of relief) I am SO glad I got that off my chest…

This concludes today’s public service announcement brought to you by your local BMA (Broke Moms Anonymous) chapter… where our motto is,
“we may not have the dough…but our kids will never know”…
you may now return to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress…

SERIOUSLY, what are you YOUR Mother’s Day Plans?