Friday, April 25, 2008

kiss IT good-bye! waiting to exhale...I think...


Since April 6, 2007 I have been under the most drastic personal re-construction effort I have ever been thrust into in my life…the transition started February 19, 2007…that is the day that I realized that the love that gave me a glow that everyone could see from miles away, was over…now, that being typed…Let me explain, a little…Ito say I got my “heart broken”…would be putting it lightly…I was physically, mentally, and emotionally (but not spiritually) disrupted…I had to no appetite, I couldn’t sleep, looked a mess, and couldn’t focus for too long on anything…I couldn’t even listen to music…and my real friends know, music makes my heart beat! I didn’t want to be bothered with the details or drama of anything even remotely resembling a relationship (from now on referred to as the “R” word)…There was only one problem…I LOVE SEX! Now I didn’t even start giving my phone number out again until mid July…and I was “back in the saddle” by August…the issue was, I didn’t want the “R” word…I just wanted the “D”…ya dig? I have been pretty much operating that way since then… I have run into issues from the guys I meet trying to lock me down, but I am in no way, shape or form ready for that…it’s crazy I can share my body but not my heart with someone, but it’s true…it wasn't "random" but I wasn't "making love" either...I find power in my sex, in the act of dominating and being dominated, in the fact that no matter what else is going on in the world in that moment…I am all that matters…it’s a RUSH! An ESCAPE! But when I awake from my cum drunk binge of naughty-ness, I am still not satisfied… like country folks say ”same thing make you laugh, make you cry”…and really there hasn’t been any “piece” that I have come across that has been able to quench that thirst in me…not since February…(fist on chin, looking into the sky in "reminisce" mode) he was AWESOME, but the satisfaction was because we had so much more than a physical dynamic to nourish our connection…I am absolutely terrified of opening myself up to the mere possibility of being shattered again... I am not even sure if I can allow another person that deep inside my "self" again…so I know the "R" word isn’t in the cards for me right now …and playing my part was fun for a while, but, pimping ain’t easy! I am getting bored with satisfying others and not being satisfied myself…I enjoy the high of being the “reality based fantasy” but not the disappointment of not getting my own fantasy fulfilled…so instead of wasting the GOODENess…I decided (a while ago) to keep it to myself…well me, myself, and my BULLET! I know this may be a shock to some…but it’s true…when I say things out loud, they don’t come to fruition so this was (and still is) a private choice that will remain so…I am not claiming to be abstinent, celibate, or anything else…I am just gonna play sex on the low…if I devote too much energy to embracing it or ignoring it, I will lose focus on what I need to me working on…and that is figuring out what the hell I want for myself…my plan is to be on “vacation” from the act until I can be clear about what I want from the connection…I’ve been told that it’s not fair to let someone bask in the sunshine, make it rain, and then cause a drought…but oh well…my choice is a genuine one…which is why this is probably the ONLY post of this nature I will write…I don’t think the world needs to know what’s going on in my “drawls”, whether it’s something or nothing…but my girl's opst inspired me to speak on it...well type on it, lol…I’m a very sexual woman so this has been a challenge…but I have been “sober” for a little while… it only takes 21 days to start/stop a habit…and I am way past that mark…LOL…I am still the shit talking, energized, deep thinking, music loving, spirit driven, poetic freak that I have always been…which is the beauty of the privacy of my choice…just wanted to share with the "group"...as always…BE GOOD or BE GOOD AT IT…and speak easy!

4 comments:

Miss Abcde A-Lexus said...

If yours is simply a habit by now.....hell my must be an innate instinct. LOL! Hope you find what you're looking for from within.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

i feel ya, i just went through the same, she just wanted the d, and now she is a stalker, so watch your batch

Eb the Celeb said...

first time here... will definitely be back though

Sister Toldja said...

"me, myself and my bullet"!

That's alls I got in the end....

Loving your style and your ink! I'll be back!