Thursday, October 16, 2008
do not collect 2 hunnit dollars!
alright ya'll... I am a fugitive, I admit it... I got tickets so old that they have been transferred to collection agencies...and I have been driving with a suspended license for longer than I am willing to admit on the internet...add to that that my license expired on my 28th birthday (2/16/80...commit it to memory ni99as I need presents!) and you got a bad sityo ready to happen...this is how it went down...I was driving along, minding my own business when I get pulled over my an unmarked police car...DAMN! secretly I'm hoping it's a big, fine, Black officer so I can get my Lil Wayne on...wee oooh wee oooh wee! and shit! but no such luck! I text my cousin "ni99a if I don't call you in 20 minutes, call TT to make arragements for III"... and my son's God Father "in jail...in DeSoto"...and waited with my hands visibly on the wheel...an older white man emerges from the vehicle and the dance begins...
officer: do you know why I pulled you over ma'am?
GOOD: because I was so stunning from afar that you just had to see me up close?
officer: maybe, but not quite, you crossed the solid white line...
GOOD: you got me on a technicality?!
officer: I need your license and registration ma'am
GOOD: I only have my passport because my wallet was stolen (lie) and here is my insurance...
*my insurance flipped over in September so that is the old card...the new one is chilling in my mailbox cuz I don't check it regularly so now u can add Failure to Maintain Financial Responsibility to my list of offenses... Officer Cobb stayed in the car for a LONG time and when the second car arrived I KNEW I was going to jail! FUCK!!*
GOOD: aw you called backup on me man? I thought we were cool?
officer: no way, you look dangerous...(wink) you kill anybody this week?
GOOD: nah, but it's ONLY Monday...
this back and forth continued all the way to the station including me mentioning that it was the first time I had ever been handcuffed when it wasn't for fun...lol...when we got the the jail I told Cobb (that's his name) I was going to struggle a little bit so the real criminals wouldn't think I was "soft" and that I was telling him now so he wouldn't taze me later...he agreed to play along and we went inside...
once I got processed I had already chatted up the jail clerks and processors. what? I am personable and non-threatening and shit...lol...plus, old white men LOVE me and I didn't know how long I was going to be there so I wanted to make friends in high places! some call it FLIRTING...I call it MARKETING!when I got into the cell, the other 3 girls in there were all on me...the pregnant one was like "why you still got your shoelaces, ponytail holder and tongue rings?" I didn't even notice that they hadn't taken that stuff...I was too busy smiling in my mugshots...then I got hungry...the white chick with the black boyfriend said if I buzz the front desk they MIGHT bring me a sammich since I got processed right after lunch...lo and behold I buzzed and they brought...my sammich had lettuce and tomatoes on it though...which further upset my "cell mates"...the salty ass meat on said sammich gave me a headache so preggo says "you can buzz for Tylenol, but it took them 2 hours to bring me mine"...so I buzz...
GOOD: Can I get some Tylenol please?
clerk: who is this, Gooden?
GOOD: yes sir
clerk: hold on
not even 5 minutes later I was getting handed some Tylenol through the slot in the door...this riled up the other chicks who had been having a vivid discussion comparing and contrasting the different jails around the metroplex! YIKES! so I laid on my mat and tried to nap before I got jumped in jail...not a good look...about an hour later there was a knock and the door opened..."GOODEN you're free to go!" YES!! My son's God father is also my lawyer and he got me out! My original game plan was to sit out my fines, but they total more than a "G" and DeSoto/Lancaster/Cedar Hill only pays $50 a day...EFF DAT! Preston knows I think I'm tough and shit, but he wasn't trying to let me earn my street cred as an inmate...LOL...THANK GOD my friend knows me so well!
Even with the special treatment, jail is definitely not the place for me! that was the longest 5 hours of my life...LOL...betcha thought it was longer huh? HA! nope!
Moral of the story...PAY YOUR TICKETS KIDS!